Filesystem Checkwits visit Blackfathom Deeps

27th October 2009 – 5.57 pm

We need a holiday, some distant land to explore, mostly to get away after randomly interrupting many of Stormwind and Ironforge's hardcore RP contingent. Vulzerda can't help it if her elephant sits down in the middle of a picnic, the brutes are difficult to control. I can't help pointing out that the 'corpse' on the floor is still breathing. And Livya can't help running in to the same naked bear man, or the night elf who spends every waking hour wandering the city streets. Qattara simply steals white kittens from children, but they're NPC children so it's okay.

Where better to hide than the least-visited Azerothian instance. Tucked away on the edge of the border between Darkshore and Ashenvale, both featuring achingly long runs, either north-south or east-west, Blackfathom Deeps is on the furthest corner of the night elf region, a mythical place where night elves only stay for long enough to find the ship to Stormwind. Indeed, the dungeon is only slightly easier to travel to now that Stormwind Harbour routes directly to Auberdine. There is a rumour that the Hydraxian Waterlords were originally placed at Blackfathom Deeps, but Blizzard created the otherwise deserted Azshara for the sole purpose of making a more remote location for the elementals to live.

It is not just the tedious journey that stops anyone from visiting the Deeps. To get past the first few mobs in the instance everyone has to negotiate a platform game, Livya announcing that we're 'going to rescue Princess Daisy' from the King of the Koopas, as a couple of us fall and have to run back to the start. Getting to world 1-2 has us confronted by huge, elite murlocs, a positive progression from the RP in Stormwind, even when we get the attention of two groups of huge, elite murlocs, quickly followed by some demons ambushing us from behind. 'It is around now', Livya sighs with her last breath, Fliesystem Checkwit corpses around her, 'that you remember you can create soulstones.'

The ghostly run back to the instance entrance gives us all a chance to do the jumping game again, some of us more than once. Take care of the murloc infestation brings us to the Twilight Cultist section of BFD. It is my experience that most groups disband soon after reaching this point, mostly because of the concentration of casters who are also runners that, when combined with occasional patrols, tends to lead to frequent wipes. The drop in morale if that happens generally outweighs the opportunity to kill NPCs of every race. 'Don't kill the cows', urges Livya, 'where will we get our milk?'

'Then don't kill the gnomes either, think of all the melon juice going to waste.' Before I get a chance to explain myself, we are attacked by more cultist tauren and gnomes, after which we get a well-earned mana break. Whilst we are drinking, Vulzerda appears on the big screen in the Twilight Cultists' living room. I didn't know she was so famous, although I often suspected she was that slutty.

Reaching the end of the instance and defeating the final boss, a new loot rule is instituted: if you can wear the item, you have to wear the item. Aku'mai drops some cloth armour, enticingly called 'Leech Pants', and only Livya wears cloth armour. 'That's fine by me', I say, 'I've seen Stand By Me'. As a final nod to Blackfathom Deeps being such an isolated destination in a lonely region, there is an NPC waiting at the very end of the instance ready to teleport anyone who asks back to Darnassus. Not even Maraudon has this luxury, mostly because the quests for Blackfathom Deeps need to be turned in at the elf capital city, and using a hearthstone only to have to travel across continents immediately afterwards is too tedious even for Elune to inflict on ex-patriots.

Quests are handed in and we all vanish in a blur of green energy back to Stormwind, where I hear there is a riot happening in the city's gaol. This sounds like a job for the Filesystem Checkwits!

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